Nauseous

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote a book called "Nausea" - it's one of my favorites actually. In it, he demonstrates how our utter freedom makes us ill and paralyzes us because we must choose and we have the freedom to do so. That is, at every moment of everyday, we choose who we are, thus creating an existence, and no one can force us to do otherwise. The nausea sets in when we realize how free we are and as a result how responsible we are. I think Sartre is dead on!

But right now, I'm drowning in nausea, for the opposite reason. I have contended with my own freedom, made my choices, and am ready to make them known. But the ultimate outcome that will have affects for years to come - that I have no control over. That is making me totally nauseous. And worse is my fear than Nov. 5th won't be the end of it. Remembering the 2000 election, and how drawn out it was, and painstaking on a daily basis makes me hesitant to hang my hopes on Wednesday being any different from today. Sartre is also famous for saying "Hell is other people," and he's right about that too. They impinge on my freedom, curtail my choices, and yet it has to be this way.

Half of people's prayers will be answered with a big fat "no." That's reality. That's how divided we are. Half will back one guy over the other, half will back prop. 8 over the other. But which half will prevail? And, being so divided, can we move forward together? A lot of hearts are going to be broken. I just pray - selfishly - that mine is not one of them...